Singles ward: the last

For my final post about the craziness I call the singles ward, I was about to (and planning on doing so for some time) talk bad about the ol YSA singles ward, but I think I've done that enough (see posts under "The Ol' YSA Singles Ward").

There are some pretty great people there.

So instead of being THAT douchebag who drives off with the one-finger salute high in the air through the driver's-side window, I'll give a little thank you shout out.

Hopefully this doesn't sound too much like a suicide note or high school yearbook signing session.

• As weird as he often is, Awkward Guy has a good heart. He's a loyal friend. Even though he forgets his wallet whenever we go hang out (he probably just realizes how cool Heather is), he knows all the girls and introduces me. It's hard to be a bad friend when a trade like goes down.

• Baseball Guy is the only one at church today who told me he didn't want me to go back to Logan. The best part was he meant it, which is really nice to know that I actually did make a couple new friends. Sorry bro, there's no way I'm transferring from where the sagebrush grows to stay in Midvale, unless I was offered my dream job with the Salt Lake Tribune. 

• While this list is in no particular order, Climbing Girl would be very near the top of people I'd miss if it were. Even though she didn't miss a chance early on to expose me as the fool I am, we became good friends and confidants to each other. And of course, climbing in Logan with people who aren't her will be a different experience. 

• Climbing Guy provided many good times, both on the rock walls and off. He was pretty much the only one in Midvale worthy of real bro talk. Drink runs won't be the same in Logan without your unfiltered thoughts about women and guns. I'll miss you man, no homo. 

• Ginger was one of the first friends I had in Midvale. Even though she kinda drifted away about a month after I got here, the first month would have sucked without us playing "make-fun-of-the-girl-who-raises-her-hand-all-the-time-in-sunday-school" with her cool basketball-playing ginger friend. 

• It's a bummer I didn't hang out with BYU Idaho Girl nearly as much as I would have liked, but she is still cool and definitely one of the people I'll call up when I periodically come back to Salt Lake. 

• Big Talker is flighty, she was a blast to climb with. Overall a chill woman, and definitely a 2 on a scale of 1 to 2 (a compliment, I assure you).

There are others I have undoubtedly left off of this list for one bonehead reason or another, and to those great people I apologize, so try not to be offended if you know how awesome you are.

Train hopping

Last weekend, I embarked on a journey that took me 500 miles and three states over five days. Normally this wouldn't be much of an accomplishment, but I did it all without my own car.

I am a successful hobo.

Friday: Since I lost Little Red in the early stages of my Norse Campaigns, I've been driving my mother's Protege, but it would have caused too many problems to take it to Logan in the middle of the week.

Not a big deal, right? Hopefully not. I sent out a Facebook request for a ride from Salt Lake to Logan on Friday night, and within a couple hours I had three generous friends willing to taxi me north.

I ended up driving with my Number Two at the newspaper, with his wife and newborn in the back seat (Now that's a good taxi service). It was a good time talking about the Olympics and other sports for a solid hour and a half.

He dumped me off at an AC-less friend's apartment for about an hour, and then I spent the night at another statesman friend's house.

Saturday: I woke up on the couch to the glorious fanfare coming from London, via the mah-HOO-sive flatscreen tv on the wall. It was beautiful. I nearly cried.

We watched volleyball and swimming until it was time for Aggie football practice, which the both of us went to watch. I'm looking forward to this season. The whole attitude of the team has changed, and the players look and feel like winners. It's amazing what a successful season will do.

After a while, I was hungry and ordered some Jimmy Johns to be delivered to the practice field, mostly just hoping the delivery driver was the cute girl I dated a couple times last year (It wasn't). Then I hung out with a mission friend and an English girl who is in Utah for the summer. This was also a good time, even though they dragged me to the mall for a game of "how does this outfit look?"

Back to TV girl's house for some gymnastics and more swimming, joined by another old statesman friend (the total is up to four statesman friends, by the way), before I was picked up by my Bacon roommate from last year, and taken to his house where I would fall asleep after several hours of xbox.

Sunday: Okay, for all those who haven't already seen my Twitter rampage from this morning, go look at it here and scroll down to August 5. It's the first 11 tweets of that day. Go now. Seriously. Like, now. I won't tell the story here because it's already been done, but just know I'm glad to have my own bedroom and bathroom this coming schoolyear.

Anyway, I went to church with Bacon and his cute girlfriend, where I learned that my favorite Scottish athlete, Andy Murray, won a gold medal in his home country (almost).

After more video games, and a severe beatdown on those guys in NCAA Football 10 (anyone who attends Utah State and still chooses to play as Boise State deserves a 63-point loss from a crappy Colorado Buffs team), I went to my former wingman's apartment and spent the rest of the day with he and his wife. They were nice and even made bacon cheeseburgers. Like, mixing the bacon and cheese into the hamburger meat. It was glorious.

Monday: Wake, shower, and up to campus. I signed a scholarship thankyou letter and waited for my river rafting trip to begin.

Wait, you mean I'm the only person from the Statesman who is going? Wait, you mean I'm only going to know four people on the trip? And of those four, I've had more than one conversation with only the guy I knew from highschool who was two years younger than I? Great...

Well, guess I better make friends quickly.

Actually, this year was much better than last in that respect. I mean, most of the female cheerleaders kept to themselves, but for the most part, everyone who went was much more social and branched out from their normal cliques. That was good for me, since I've been a social butterfly since junior high...

It was also good to meet a couple people in person who I only knew from the Twitter world (#geek).

Tuesday: Rafting. It was pretty awesome. I don't think I need to say any more.

I also managed to hitch a ride back to Salt Lake that night so I could show up on time (mostly) to work the next day, which is definitely not where I'm publishing this post from, because that's against the rules.

Again, 500 miles in five days. I could have a future in the hobo industry.

Playing hard

I'm a little sore. I know, embarrassing.

Day 1: Work. Up a 5 a.m.

Climbing. A pumpy 5.9, a 10A with a roof, what felt like a loooong 10-something, and finishing off with a 5.6 lead. Usually not a big deal, but I haven't climbed in about a month.

Softball. Wow I sucked. How do you walk a guy in slow pitch softball? How did I walk two? Anyway, I reached on an error, flied out twice, and allowed 5 unearned runs from the circle to almost singlehandedly lose the game.

Day 2: Work. Get up at 5, worked from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m.

Hike. Met up with my cousin and her cute friend and others to hike up the canyon to some lake. There's a lot less air up here than there was in the lower elevation of Minnesota.

Cliffdiving. In a word? Awesome. In another word? Cold.

Down. We ran down the mountain because some other people were a little bit more pressed for time than I was. It felt good. Really good. It took me back to my high school cross country days. Well, the good ones anyway. It was fun to run with girls too.

Back to my Cousin's house. Man I'm starving. I make a ham sandwich, change out of my still-not-dry gym shorts. Look at the clock, shout bye and run out to my dad's truck.

Volleyball. Okay, I've never played organized volleyball before. I've played around at track banquets and on the beach or whatever, but really the extent of my volleyball knowledge is bump, set, spike. The players there were a lot better than I. The volleyball girl I went with played in college, and her friend was good too.

I still don't know if they were just being nice, but they said I picked it up fast and was pretty talented. It was a ton of fun, and all for free! I'm definitely going again next week.

And this time there is no way I'm going to let the team with the one-armed guy beat me again...

CENSORED

Author's note: The following post has been edited to avoid twisting the truth in any way in an attempt to not offend certain readers (see previous post).

Rock Climber, Jordan and I...

Wait I shouldn't name names. Let's try again.

I went rock climbing with two other people.

Hmm, maybe naming the activity is too specific also.

I hung out with two other people and performed an undisclosed recreational activity.

Yep, that'll do.

The three of us may or may not have done the previously mentioned anonymous activity one or more times at one or more locations somewhere in Big Cottonwood Canyon. the United States of America.

While it would be improper to mention whether or not the activity was fun, whether there is visual evidence of said activity, or any memories whatsoever, let it suffice by saying the recreational activity took place and was, in fact, recreational and nothing more.

Wow, what a boring post, at least I didn't offend anyone. Hopefully.

Well, I guess that's the price I'll have to pay to keep friends in Salt Lake.

Don't make me do my Z snap!

Today I found out my blog is not liked by all those who read.

Am I as upset as Gru was when Vector stole the pyramids? NoO I am not!! A little...

However, I will not apologize for my behavior! Also, I don't actually understand what some of these girls in the ol' YSA ward could be offended about. I mean, all of my posts have been entirely fictional. Any similarities between individuals living or dead is entirely coincidental.

Except Awkward. I'm pretty sure we can safely say he's a real person. And Layton/Wingwoman. And Rock Climber has told me he likes the blog. Other than that, everything is fictional.

...There's no way anyone believed that...

Either way, those haters who gohn hate should know of my disrespect for their displeasure. Take it easy gurrfranns. I'm a somewhat easy person to deal with, so just come ask me to take something down or change a post you have a problem with so it doesn't talk about you as much.

Who knows, you might actually enjoy having a civilized conversation with me.

A good find

Through my life, I've tried to find the best ways to attract Da Ladies.

There are more obvious methods, such as having a puppy or baby with you, playing guitar, dancing, etc. I've used most of those.

There are less-obvious hooks, like being confident, having goals in life, wearing aviators and having a beard, etc. I've used all of those.

I never knew that a hobby like rock climbing would be so effective at finding Da Ladies.

Rock Climbing

For my entire life I've lived within 20 minutes of canyons where the best rock climbing in the world is found. Say what you will about wasted opportunities, but today was my first time ever going.

Yeah, I scaled cliffs. Pretty dangerous. I felt a little bit like Chris O'Donnell in Vertical Limit.

Four of us from the ol singles ward jumped in my friend's truck and went up Big Cottonwood Canyon to some trail my Friend found in this sketchy book from the library. Friend and one of the girls put harnesses on, said some weird climbing words, and Friend climbed up to fasten the rope to the chains at the top of the wall.

When he came down, Belay Girl took the rope and had her turn, cleaning all the carabiners off the bolts as she went.

The other girl went third as I crammed my toes into the climbing shoes Friend obtained for the occasion.

"How hard is this one supposed to be?" I asked.

I was told not to worry about it. How comforting.

"Just put your hands where the chalk residue is," Rapel Girl said after she landed from her descent. "That's what I did because I've never climbed outdoors before."

I'm not sure I went exactly where I was supposed to, but I eventually got to the top and enjoyed a nice rapel back down.

The next one was harder.

I looked up couldn't see any obvious holes. There were a few cracks that looked unsuitable for anything larger than a blade of grass, and just before the top there was a ridiculous overhang that couldn't possibly be part of the climb, right?

I started my ascent and told the girls one of them could have my guitar if I died. It wasn't actually too bad until the overhang. I tried going around, diagonally, and a variety of other ways to get past the lip, all to no avail. The only option was to reach over for a jagged handhold and pull myself up while my legs flailed below.

I failed. My forearms burned, and I could barely lock my fingers onto the jutting rocks, much less pull myself over them.

We ended on an easy one with lots of holes. It proved only a little more difficult than climbing a ladder in some places, which was nice for my ego after failing to pull a Spiderman on wall number two.

Overall, the trip was a success. Even though I can't play guitar because my forearms are dead....

FHE, dancing the night away

There's a huge difference from Logan to Midvale that I completely overlooked.

In Logan, one of the main (or few) nightlife attractions is country swing dancing night at the Fun Park. In Salt Lake, there are actual things to do, so very few of the people in my ward know how to swing dance.

I tricked all the pretty girls into thinking I'm a swing dancing champ, which I guess I am by comparison here. It was kinda cool to go from being a novice in Cache Valley to an expert in Midvale.

The good news: I didn't drop anyone.

Hey, I was pretty rusty. I mean, I don't usually dance unless there's a specific girl it's with, and the last time that was the case was for Statesman Girl 1. Before that it was probably Scotland Cowgirl or No Chin Girl. (I've probably said too much again...)

Anyway, after the dancing, the "in" crowd invited me to get ice cream with them. Ah, the feeling of acceptance being washed down by chocolate ice cream crammed with peanut butter cups was great.

We all got to be bffs and later fb friends and all that stuff. (Maybe I should reconsider some of the things I'm writing...) We played "guess my middle name," which was an okay game and a first for me.

Of course, it didn't hurt to sit between two pretty girls.

Singles ward: one week later

It really pains me to say this, but this week it wasn't so bad.

I mean, aside from priesthood meeting when I walked in late and had to sit by Mr. Acts-Like-He-Owns-The-Place (I ignored his weirdness by tweeting through the meeting), it was a good time at church.

In sunday school and sacrament meeting I've become part of Cute Ginger Girl's back row crew, and it's nice to know I have friends to sit by every week.

Anyway, the point:

In sacrament meeting, right after the high councilman called out the congregation for looking at our phones during his talk (guilty), I decided to set some summer goals. Thinking about how bored I've been, I figured I should prolly meet some new faces.

Let's face it. Not having friends to hang out with blows. That's one of the biggest complaints I have about living in Midvale, because most of my friends have already moved away or got all married. Ew.

Goal: Meet one new person every week.


As soon as I made my mind up to make new friends, I felt like I should probably ask the bishop if I could speak in sacrament meeting-- as if the introductory "It's Stoo-key, not Stuck-ee" from the back of the chapel to the pulpit wasn't awkward enough. 


I also found out our ward plays softball, something I've been dying to do all summer. There will probably be more on that later. 


Back to the goal... 


As soon as church ended, I was stopped by three different groups of girls! Not that it's really out of the ordinary for me to meet girls quickly (no comments from the peanut gallery, please), I was just surprised because all of them wanted to meet me instead of the other way around. 


A quick game summary: 

• Nice Dress Girl is very pretty, seems fun, likes to boulder, and has a wrist tattoo that I find strangely attractive. I could tell from her reaction that she'd been dying for someone to compliment her dress all day.

• BYU Idaho Girl is also pretty, seems fun, gave me her number, and liked my tie. Normally that doesn't mean anything, but she said so as I passed in an obvious attempt to get me to stop. Also, she wanted me to save a dance for her at the country swing fhe coming up. 

• The Group of Four: Not completely sure on all of them, but they're cute enough and not shy. Plus they wanted me to speak Scottish to them. I didn't, but maybe if they're nice to me... One of them added me on the ol facebook the day of church.

• Rock Climbing Girl: People don't usually look great when they're all sweaty and gross, but Rock Climbing Girl is MUCH more attractive in person. She seems cool. 

• Oh, can't forget Cute Ginger Girl. Unless the two phrases after you remember her are "friend zone" and "ginger." (I'm totally going to regret writing this...) All the same, she's way cool. Very sarcastic and very fun. But I guess I didn't meet her today, so maybe she doesn't count after all. 

Life will be much better when I meet new people. Being honest, every new person I meet is probably going to be female anyway, so that's never bad. 

The parking policy

I've worked enough minimum wage jobs to know at most places, policies aren't made by the college student in a company-issued polo shirt, so in my life I've made a conscious choice not to yell at any of said polo shirt-wearing grunts.

That being said, I told the parking garage attendant at the Gateway what I thought about the parking policies last night.

Let me back up.

A girl from Layton and I decided to meet up and watch a movie in Salt Lake. We get to the theater at 7:15ish only to find out the next showing of Avengers is at 9:40. No other movies interested us, so we decided to kill a couple hours walking around all the shops.

Blah, blah, blah, long story short, the movie gets out after midnight, so my car has been sitting in the terrace for a solid five hours.

Apparently when you validate parking at the Gateway, it only knocks two hours off of your total, which obviously isn't enough to even cover the movie, much less the time Layton and I spent wandering around.

I let the guy know how stupid the policy was.

To my surprise, he gave me an additional two validation slips and knocked the price down by six bucks.

Too bad Layton didn't kick up a fuss and get the "annoying customer discount."

Wedding crashers

Okay, so it's not technically crashing when you get an invitation, but the whole point was to hit on pretty girls with visions of their own white dresses going through their minds.

Suit up.

I show up with my fearless wingman (wingwoman?), sign the book, and get in line for the line. The bride and groom are both more than six feet tall, so we feel like ants.

I always think it's super awkward to shake hands with all the groomsmen, the happy couple, and two sets of parents before I get a chance to meet the bridesmaids.

Unfortunately there are no bridesmaids. There aren't any groomsmen, so Wingwoman shares my disappointment.

We wander over to the food line, grab an empty table, and wave over the photo girl, who happens to be a friend of ours.

The three of us munch on our crepes. Another scan around the tables reveals two normal-sized girls have arrived. One is ginger, so that's a no-go, and the one wearing sunglasses looks pretty cute.

As Wingwoman, Photo Girl, and I chat, we notice Ginger is staring. Designer Shades has also been caught checking me out. Or at least, we think we saw her eyes behind the black lenses.

It's nice to be noticed, but I'm not much of a gambler, so I decide I'm too shallow to risk chatting up a girl whose face I can't accurately judge on a scale from 1 to 2.

Photo Girl and Wingwoman agree there's only one cute guy in the whole place and are about to get their flirt on before one of them recognizes him as the groom's younger brother and nixes the plan, avoiding any awkward kidnapping charges.

Like I said, we're a foot shorter than everyone but the toddlers, so even the teenagers look like adults.